LIKE A WOODY ALLEN FILM BUT THE SEX IS REAL

Somehow I doubt many Republicans will be in the audience for the premiere of polysexual film director John Cameron Mitchell's latest film, Shortbus:

"I remember (Jerry) Falwell listing the direct causes of 9/11 as homosexuals, immigrants and a whole list of other things that were unbelievable," Mitchell says. "But that made sense psychologically. Anything that was 'other' was dangerous. A terrorist was equally as dangerous as two girls who wanted to get married."

So Mitchell decided to give his countrymen a fun date with their fears and "put that so-called scary thing in their face to remind them that it's something they can relate to."

One of the more memorable scenes depicts three men engaged in fellatio while singing "The Star-Spangled Banner." Another shows one of the main characters, James, a former hustler who has severe depression, succeeding, through a series of yogic maneuvers, in fellating himself. Soon after this feat, he persuades his long-term boyfriend, also called James, to open up their relationship. The Jameses find their sexual solution in a beautiful younger man, whom they meet at the salon and bring home often.

The other main story line follows a couples counselor who has never had an orgasm. Like the classic porn movie "Deep Throat," the plot of "Shortbus" is driven by a woman's quest for sexual climax; but instead of making the quest hot, Mitchell fill its with sweet slapstick.

Unlike the makers of Deep Throat Mitchell has artistic pretensions. Like Deep Throat, Shortbus is probably crap.

Note: Corrected the spelling of Deep Throat and pretension. Duh.