CAPITALISTOCRATIC CRAPTACULAR

The Canadian bills itself as both a "national newspaper" and "Canada's Progressive Blog". Regardless which category it falls into, The Canadian is one strange website that shouldn't be included in Google News.

In amongst stories about HIV being a neo-con conspiracy to kill black Africans and absolute proof that human DNA is of extraterrestrial origin is a 1,200+ word article on the imminent dangers of global warming. Here's the summary:

The large scale 'owners of capital' have structured the prevailing capitalistic economy to principally serve their interests in the pursuit of money, status, and power for themselves. Like heroine or "crack" cocaine drug addicts, 'capitalistocrats' have become so addicted to the pursuit of a self-absorbing materialistic lifestyle predicted on money, status, and power, they would much rather apparently destroy our planet, and all life along with it, than to change their ways of drug-like abuse. Indeed, the mass-media in the prevailing capitalistocratic systems of Canada, the United States, United Kingdom, continental Europe, and elsewhere, are no less corrupt than the politicians which they are supposedly "holding accountable".
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The "hellish" summer of 2005 internationally has poignantly showed relative to the comparatively milder Summer 2004, that changes due to the abusive activities by human beings on the planet can be sudden, and extremely drastic. The current quantuum advancing devastating destructive impacts of American-led "global capitalism" are threatening to precipitate a catastrophic global drought in vital agricultural areas internationally that the world has never ever seen; due to unending rising temperatures, that will make the traditional temperature characteristics of the tropics today (that have benefited from Arctic and Antarctic moderation) seem like comparative ice boxes. Worsening "hellish" summers will lead into hellish other parts of the year also, with the prospective disappearance of the Arctic and Antarctic climatic areas. The inevitable result of such allowed phenomenon will be an ensuing Global Famine that so far, the world has also never seen spreading from the United States and Canada, into Europe and the rest of the World.
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In such a milieu of Global Famine, the world would be taken over by various warring military camps threatening each other with nuclear annihilation, and privately-run "terrorist" organizations trying to forcibly acquire what little of the Earth is left, for the exclusive use of elites, criminal syndicates, and gangs, leaving "masses" to perish in a milieu of spiralling global starvation, and poverty in a climate of socio-economic chaos and societal upheaval. Indeed, the mass-media has hypocritically ignored the extent to which 'capitalism' is actually the root cause of growing apparent "terrorism" as more and more people are turning to violent political extremism, in the face of environmental destruction, related oppression, and overall declines in quality-of-living.

Americans, being armed to the teeth both individually and as nation, will be sitting pretty.

Anyway, read the whole article; it's very high grade unintentional humour.