Whale war goes high tech

This year's skirmishing between Sea Shepherd hippies and Japanese whalers began in typical fashion with the beatniks throwing bottles of rancid butter and the Japanese responding with sonic weapons and water cannon. The whale-savers were prepared, however, holding in reserve a radar-evading stealth boat and photonic disrupters. Oh my God, Japanese photons are going to be disrupted! Actually, photonic disrupter is geek-talk for an eyeball frying laser. Yikes! It's gotta be difficult to drive a boat while wearing welder's goggles. I hope there aren't any collisions.

In response to the high seas hijinks Shadow Environment spokesman Greg Hunt demands immediate government intervention:

Now is the time, this is the moment, this is the day for the Australian Government and Mr Garrett in particular to make clear that this summer, the Australian whale sanctuary will not be violated by Japanese whalers.

Great, except that Australia's claim to the waters in question is dubious at best, so the Japanese are well within their rights to tell us to mind our own business. And really, why should we care? If the Japanese enjoy shooting whales and eating their blubber, so what? It's not like our big-brained aquatic cousins are going to be wiped out. And anyway Australia regularly culls camels, water buffalo and kangaroos by the thousands -- my dogs are partial to lean but tasty roo meat. So perhaps we should just mind our own business and leave the Japanese to it.

Regardless, the Americans, and probably also the Israelis, will no doubt eventually become involved in the escalating tecnological war in the southern ocean as a testing ground for new weapons. So be prepared for the introduction of particle beam weapons, phasers and photon torpedoes. Your boat sank in a blinding flash of light? Don't look at me; I was out walking the dog. Odd? Not at all; he's a water spaniel.