Crikey, that's crap

Crikey follows up its less than informative initial investigative detention centre report with two more efforts (here and here), the three totaling over 3,300 precisely chosen words. Just a few of the revelations in the two latest pieces:

• The road from Broome to Derby passes through a "surprisingly green desert". (It's green because it's not a desert, moron.)
• The Willare roadhouse near Derby has a bain marie that "looks like it has survived the apocalypse".
• Curtin detainees who have access to TV, the internet and telephones were "pleased to see a friendly face and hear news from the outside world." No doubt detainees were entranced by the tale of the Willare roadhouse bain marie.
• It's hot in the Kimberley.
• The Curtin gate guard wears "khaki shorts, shirt and felt khaki hat".
• The gate guard communicates with management via a walkie-talkie.
• "The Serco contract with the Australian government" was "recently revealed with colleague Paul Farrell in New Matilda". (Paul Farrell is quite the hunk.)
• "Expansion plans appear imminent, with empty spaces for more compounds on the way." Yep, empty spaces say lots about imminent expansion plans.
• FIFO stands for "fit in or f-ck pff".
• "When they arrived on Christmas Island, volunteers taught [detainees] about the White Australia policy, Ned Kelly, multiculturalism, Australia Day, the Stolen Generations and the Kevin Rudd apology to indigenous people." (And how to field-strip, clean and reassemble an AK-47.)
• Asylum seekers are "dubbed the 'Sandpit'".
• Christmas Island is an "Australian satellite".
• Like Australia as a whole, it's multi-cultural.
• Only Virgin flies to Christmas Island.
• An unknown number of Serco staff can neither read nor write, giving them much in common with the author of this Crikey tripe.
• A Christmas Island hill has a "vista" that's "expansive and revealing".
• Sister Joan Kelleher, is "seeing" some of the male detainees.
• "Although Sally said there were problems, she said Serco was an essential partner because the public service simply wasn’t capable of handling security, “intel gathering” and other services unless “we hire many more people”. The part about the public service hiring more people makes no sense at all. Anyway, Sally is the "head case manager" which explains why she was speaking with the Crikey head-case who wrote this tripe.
• Detainee Mohammed – not his real name – takes "six different anti-depressants daily". That little "fact" is as real as Mohammed's name.

Jeez, with revelations like this it's no surprise Crikey is a giant amongst Australia's media outlets.