Seduced by lies

All that stuff the other day about me paying to blog here at AC is untrue. I'd tell you how much I'm getting paid except that my contract has a confidentiality clause. Let's just say that I'll be making almost enough to pay my bills, at the local beer outlets anyway.

The recruitment scheme was super-deluxe: I was flown to New York in what was once Imogene Coca's personal plane (the in-flight entertainment was spectacular); the hotel was first-class; I had unlimited use of a custom-painted limo – one of those really exclusive ones where passengers sit totally separate from the driver, you know, so you can make important business calls without Billy-bob overhearing; ate the best food in the city; and was lavishly entertained. I even had a personal massoose massage person – first massage I've ever had in an alley, or in a dumpster for that matter.

My first meeting with the Asian Correspondent crew was, well, intimidating. It took like forever to get to their suite of offices – they're somewhere in New Jersey, I think. Two well-dressed, immaculately-groomed Harvard MBAs greeted me, quickly ushering me out into the well-appointed courtyard where the negotiations took place (one of them seemed distracted and said nothing throughout the meeting).

Naturally enough, the first words from me were, "how much?". After settling on a figure we discussed AC's expectations. I was told to keep on writing the same sort of stuff I had been writing – the guy tried to flatter me by calling RWDB a "slow motion train wreck" (lots of interest over a long period, apparently). Then almost as an aside he asked what RWDB stands for. He thought Right-Wing Death Beast would put readers off and after a quick think suggested LAC for, he said, Lovable And Cuddly. Now whereas I'm about as lovable and cuddly as it's humanly possible to be, such an appalachian (note to AC technical staff: the spell checker just went nuts) really isn't appropriate for a really bright neon-conservative, like myself, who 100% supports wife beating, nuclear war, child smacking, wash boarding and the like. So I stood my ground on the RWDB thing.

So how upset do you think I am to now discover that LAC doesn't really stand for Lovable And Cuddly at all? It actually stands for... I can't; it's simply too painful... read it for yourself. I'm going to get drunk, go to bed, sob myself to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day. This blogging stuff is dog eat dog.